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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Bee Nice

So I think I am getting a little "Pinked" out. I feel like my positive attitude on life is starting to sting me a bit.
Here are my rambling thoughts and pretty much why I have not posted on my blog for some time. I try to keep my thoughts in my life positive and up beat - I am human, but I try to be a half glass full type of gal. Lately the glass does not feel half full!
Jeff has a saying at work that "no good deed goes unpunished". I have always given him a hard time about that comment, but I think I am buying into the idea. Everytime I try to do something nice these days - it ends causing me pain.

I have had this incredibly positive attitude on moving in year. Jeff is looking for his first job and is almost 40. Yes his first "what kind of job do I want, job" Many have asked what his military story is, so here it is in a nutshell, even though I am getting off subject.

Jeff got into medical school at Tulane. Tulane was over $30,000 a year for tuition. We freaked out. We had no money. Jeff applied for a military scholarship to pay for school. Jeff went to school for 4 years in New Orleans. When he started he thought about doing Ophthalmology when he ended he went into Ear Nose Throat: Head and Neck Surgery. While we were there we realized no else there had any money either, they took out student loans. We questioned our decision. Jeff had an amazing opportunity (slip through the cracks opportunity, but amazing nonetheless) to do a civilian residency at Vanderbilt. We moved to Tennessee. Jeff worked his patoohtie off for 5 years, majority of his time working 2 jobs. His last year of 5 he learned that to position himself in a good spot in the Army he would need to do a fellowship. He did not want to do a fellowship. He did a one year fellowship in sinus and skull base surgery. In those 9 years of training I only remember one day he complained and questioned his decision. He then was placed at Walter Reed Army Medical center. He is the first fellowship trained Rhinologist in the Army. His commitment was to work for the Army for 4 years to pay back the money for medical school. His 4 year commitment ends in June 2010. He will be leaving the Army to work in private practice. We have chosen our new home state but will wait till it is official and in ink until we share our news so I don't jinx it. All that hard work has so paid off and we feel humbled by the opportunities that have been given to us during this economy. Doing his fellowship was one of the most incredible blessings for our family and him. We have been married 15 years in a few days. It has been a long road. That is our story.

Ok back to the 1st story. So we are moving. I have known about this move, month and year, since 1994. While I was one to always appreciate the moment and find the joy in the journey, I still recognize those will always be some of the best times of our life. Having a positive attitude about this move does not make the pain any less painful.

Sometimes I feel like I try to be so happy all the time because if I was to complain a bit the snowball would get going and would not be able to stop. On the flip side I am often disappointed in others for being so stinkin negative. I wonder if saying "well I am sure it won't work so why bother" would make me happier because for one, I would not be disappointed and two, if things went better than expected then I would have some kind of surprise gift.

In our discovery of where we want to move I by nature fell in love with every place. We went from coast to coast and Jeff was offered a job in Missouri, North Carolina, Colorado and Washington State. I could see myself living in every single place. If I would have talked to 100 people after visiting each place I bet I could sold 75 of them a piece of property in each city. My positive attitude made it easy on Jeff but started driving me crazy. I started to wonder where is it that I really want to live? I almost didn't know how to turn the "Pink" off and start to get real.

I am having a hard time finding the balance between being so accepting, nice & helping others to the getting run over and taken advantage of. I feel I always try my best and give it my all. People who know me would say that about me (well the ones who like me would). I think I often get overlooked as having a hard time, bad days or being allowed to be a flake. So this is where I think BEEing Nice is starting to sting. If I was a flake, rude or showed little compassion then on the off day I did, I would be a superstar.

I am doing a pretty bad job of putting myself first and getting a bit drained (taking full responsibility) so I think that is part of my not so nice attitude these days. I am signed up for my 4th marathon and have not trained ONE day for it and it is in 2 1/2 months. (it is very likely not going to happen) Everyday I feel more and more like a loser and seem to see no reality in the fact I already ran 3. (I use the term run very loosely)

Every day is a reminder of us moving. Today was AK's last swim as a Kingfish, I am watching my garden at it's peak for the last time, I won't see the neighborhood decorated again for the 4th of July, we missed the fireworks in the city... blah blah. It is only going to get more and more sad and I still have 10 months of this left. Why could I not have just moved here and sat in my house and been a hermit and mean. It would have made moving so much easier.

Anywhoo, I am off to bed and will spend the week learning to find balance in the pink - maybe that is where the color orange comes in. Feel free to pipe in and tell me I am emotional and crazy.

Pink Out!


On a side note
  1. Pink Christmas sign ups are on August 1st and will be on a new and super improved website
  2. you can get this darling locket (top photo) on Etsy Link Here!
  3. thanks to my blog friend who reminded me my kids need to always be in a car seat - we always forget when we drive in my husbands car as they spend most of the time in mine, in car seats. I will be better at that. (so I got it, no one needs to open this back up for discussion or give me the long story on the importance of car seats - see I told you I am being a stinker these days!)

27 comments:

Jill said...

I think a need a phone call with the details behind this post, because you didn't really say how you were being stung.

Even though it's sad to know that you won't be doing so many of these great things again, you should take comfort in knowing you soaked up every bit of your years in D.C.! I have been impressed over and over and over and over again as you have hit the town despite fits from the girls, extreme heat and humidity, crowds and so on. I know you'll adore wherever you guys end up, and you totally deserve the abundance of offers and opportunities coming your way.

Kelly(M&M) said...

Thanks for your honesty. I am glad you enjoyed your time in DC and I can't wait to hear where your next adventure will take you!

tootie said...

I think everyone, no matter how positive they are, feels like this sometime. After all, no one is perfect!

I hope you know how insipired I am by your posts - whether you're exploring DC or running a marathon - I'm always impressed!

Best of luck with the next part of your journey!

Mary Elizabeth said...

Chin up!!! Everyone has bad days and I feel blue to. I hate the thought of how your life is making you blue. I hope you can find some pinkness and feel better. It makes me sad to know how sad you are feeling. I love hearing about what you all are up to and the adventures you are having. I look forward to finding out where the next one will take you.

I grew up in DC {fairfax} and my adventure took me to NC almost 20 years ago {next month} when I went away to school. I miss DC, but am so happy that my adventure of life took me away from home because I found my hubby here and now raise my baby here.

Hold tight to your memories, pack your bags and hit the road. Enjoy your last few months there and live it up! :)

Anne said...

I know exactly how you feel about leaving DC! Driving around this weekend put me in tears, because my time here is SOOOO limited, as in I have less than two weeks before I move. The good thing Kristi is that you have taken advantage of every single opportunity possible to experience all DC has to offer. In fact, I'd venture to say that you've seen more in your short few years here than I have in my 7. I know it's hard, but try to see it as you got to see SO much, you have SO MANY memories to take with you. It's not that it's the LAST time you're doing all of those things, it's that you were able to do them at all. It's a good thing you didn't lock yourself up in your house. Think of how many regrets you'd have then!

I'm SO going to miss you when we both move away. Having your family close has meant so much to me. Please tell me you're moving to Texas! ;)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you've been feeling 'blue' and not your usual 'pink':) I myself have wondered how you stay so 'up' all the time. Life is hard and it is okay to feel down too. I go through swings of ups and downs...and when I'm down I like to read YOUR blog. Why? It makes me think about what is really important in life. Family. You are an inspiration-and you are only human. Tell the naysayers to stick it:) I look forward to reading your blog-the good times and the bad times- from whatever new state you choose. God Bless, Ashley in Tennessee

patsy said...

oh kristy-
I can so relate with this... I have even thought- "no good dead goes unpunished..." myself.
I -like jill- think there is a lot more to this story.

I love your pink & orange self!
You are an inspiration to us all-

HOORAY for jeff & you finally living out his/your dream. You guys deserve everything you have worked for- everything.

Whenever I get sad about leaving people- (we've moved 11 times in our marriage- but luckily don't plan on moving ever again) I try to remember that:
THAT'S WHAT HEAVEN IS a reunion & catch up with all the people I have loved over the years! Somehow that makes me feel a bit better. Like I want to meet all these people & put in my all- then in Heaven I will have a lot to do :) gabby the time away with so many people I love...
maybe I do have a little "pink" in me... I usually feel orange.

Lauralee said...

wow. sorry about the hard time.

you guys have really put in your time, I am excited for you to be able to move and hopefully not have to go anywhere for a long while... I bet that makes the choice a little harder, knowing it is for a long time.

hang in there, even though being kind and positive can sometimes sting.. it is way better than the alternative...
have a good one.

michelle said...

You and Jeff deserve every good thing that comes your way! I can't wait to see what you have decided. And I can definitely see how you could get into trouble with your positive attitude when it keeps you from knowing what you really want.

I can understand the bittersweet nature of all of the lasts in D.C. But as other people have said, you have really lived there -- you have taken advantage of living in that city more than anyone else I can imagine, and at least you can take comfort in that!

Mommyof4 said...

Thank you for your blog. I find such inspiration here. Because of your blog (not to be cheesy) I found happiness again in being a mother, wife, and friend. It is so great to read about someone so real--good days and bad. We all have them. Good luck in your new adventures and I can't wait to follow them!

LJ and DC said...

Kristi, we love you. Everyone's allowed to feel blue sometimes. Even perfect people are blue sometimes. Missing you and your cuties this week!

Liz said...

Hey Kristi, I think you are right on track when you made the decision to have a good attitude and look for the good and the positive in your situation. How could you have survived such a LONG time with school and residency and working for the army, without this optimistic outlook?

I'm sorry things have been tough. I know how it is, probably not as well as you do. Hang in there. And remember that it is ok to take some time for yourself...if you aren't happy, how are you supposed to make your family happy? Don't hesitate to take some time to relax and find your innner optimistic self. I know she's in there still, she just needs a little rest. :)

Elaine said...

I can so relate. We left DC a few weeks ago and are on to our next adventure in Washington state. I loved all our time in DC and was so sad to leave. It is hard to keep starting over all the time and make friends when you know you have to leave them. I have often thought that it would be easier to leave if I never made any friends, but of course then I would be miserable in the meantime. It's hard to stay positive all the time, though, when there are so many wonderful things and people to miss.

Good luck in your next move. We still have five more years in the army before we can decide for ourselves where to go. I've been interested in watching your process of choosing where to live because eventually we will be at that point too. And I keep telling my kids that new friends and new adventures are just waiting for us to find them.

Amy said...

Didn't you know?...Life is a rollercoaster! :)

Not to make lite of your being in a funk...I am sure saying goodbye is hard. I have never had to move, so I read your story with some wistfulness.

Because you have choice in the matter, you can choose: where you want to live, your attitude, how to carry the old friends on to your new life. I see you as having lots of options and that sounds pretty fun to me!

Just remember, you are down now, but not for long! There are exciting new things down the road. And, keep perspective & gratitude dear to your heart and they will not fail you in making you feel better.

Marie said...

Hey, sorry you are feeling taken for granted and stung. That is too bad. I hope you can find the happy again, without feeling like you can never be upset or show another side to yourself. You are a whole person, not a photo. You need to have more than one side to you.

Amber said...

Don't you think we have cycles in our lives? The ups an downs? Change is a challenge--even when you are looking forward to it! We are moving--our choice--and even though it is on to something better, I still look around my house (which I have always complained about, so it shows the love/hate craziness)and reflect on all of our memories here. I get overwhelmed by the changes in front of me, too.

When everything seems to come at you at once, it is just overwhelming. You are not alone :)

Chanel said...

You are emotional and crazy.

I have been there (sometimes I live there) and I recognize it well. There is nothing wrong with feeling negative and needing to vent, it's healthy. It's when you stop talking about the pain and quietly internalizing it that you need to worry.

Everyone loves you for what an incredible person you are (pink or not). Feel free to vent, think about yourself for once, be unreliable, forgo the car seats, cancel pink christmas, do what you need to do. Black can be the new pink for a while.

Remember- This too shall pass,it always does.
I love you!

Elizabeth said...

Stay Pink! In my experience it is just the adversary trying to get us to think that being negative is easier and more rewarding.
Sometimes I need to remember to take my parents advice they gave me as a youth. Surround yourself with people who bring you up and make you happy.

The monkey bunch said...

I'm not quite sure what you were talking about, but I would assume people don't always say the nicest things on your blog. I know popular blogs always get those kind of people. And since this is a stressful time for you, it makes it even harder to take. You guys really took advantage of living in DC, though. Sometimes I feel like we should do more, but I am an army brat and moving is something I do well and need to do every 3-4 years and we've been here longer than that. I have had a terrible attitude for the past 2 years and just haven't done much of anything lately except complain about the traffic.
From reading your blog, I suspect you will take advantage in the next place you live too. I am very impressed and inspired. And it's Ok to be down. Your just honest on your blog.

katherine said...

Thanks for your honesty in how you feel. All too often I read and don't comment. But I have been moved by this post and just want to write my feelings.

I love reading your posts.
I love reading 2clever.

I enjoy reading about your "not so perfect situations" turned pink by your humor (a hem torn skirt incident).

You are a giving human being and exemplify our Savior in that respect. His journey was not easy and ours is not either (totally taken from one of my favorite conference talks).

Your attitude is amazing and I only wish I could have whatever it is you are drinking.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Elisa said...

It does seem like people expect a lot of perkiness from you. Your so good at making people have fun I can see how you are the go to party girl, and how that is exhausting.

Moving causes heartache for sure. I have never moved my family more than 10 miles away and I cried and cried feeling lost and like my new home wasn't "home". This is going to hurt a lot.

I do know what it is like to lose your identity trying to please and help people. You've got some soul searching and lots of prayer ahead of you. If I were to choose, I think I would go Washington or North Carolina...those are both places I would love to vacation:)

Alisa said...

It is always emotional when there is change, even good change is hard.

You have done so much while living in DC- I am certain you will take on that same attitude wherever you go next!

Erin said...

Kristi,

Words sometimes aren't enough. I can't really tell you why I love you so much...I just do. You are dear to my heart. Everybody feels this way about you. We love you on your pink days, and your off color days too. Life is such a strange journey. What we sometimes hate, we can grow to love. What we start loving can turn into something ugly and useless. We really just walk around taking our pick of a series of random choices, never knowing where or when we will end up doing or being something completely different. What I know is that you have a gift. A gift for making others feel better. A gift for bringing out the best in those around you. You probably do get taken advantage of. You probably do get tired of always doing, always trying and always putting others first. I know for a fact that this IS who you are. And you just can't change that. You ARE Pink. Your Heavenly Father made you that way. He made you that way so that all the greens,purples,blacks, browns, yellows and oranges out in his kingdom could rely on and enjoy the company of a rare pink beauty. You make the other colors out there better. You are what every little girl wants to become and what all us older ladies wish we were. You are an example for all to follow. Who cares if you have a bad week, or month. Don't stop being you. Don't stop trying. Don't stop doing everything you do the very best that you can do it.

You have a new place next year to leave your mark. Lucky them!

CAW said...

Ok. Maybe I am too late on reading this post and you may be back to pink but sounds to me that you have your left foot at home and your right foot in your new town to come. 10 months is a long time and it seems that you are on the countdown and can't seem to slow down to soak in the now verses the later.... which has you BeeWitched
(ha. that was a good one)
I also read the post on being mormon and appears that the difference between mormon and christianity is that you don't believe in the Trinity-
so old testament/ new testament/ God/Jesus/ Holy Spirit (in each form) and heaven we all believe...
right?
I think the pink attitude that you exemplify does not come from the color of course but most certainly from the spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (galatians 5:22).
You are you because of your love for the Lord- and as we know that we are not perfect, we are perfected in Christ- so stay firm in your faith, continue to grow in the word and know that you are only apart of Gods plan- this Earth is our temporary home and before long- we will BeeHeaven bound.
just my daily thoughts....

Price Cream Parlor said...

Thanks for your story - I loved reading and catching up on how you guys arrived where you are and the steps and blessings that came from your choices... WOW!

I am so excited for you to establish deep, long roots in your new place. To think that you will be there for a good long time is exciting (to me!) -

Change is hard. As you are on your countdown to your 'lasts' of this and that in your little spot in the world - you have created such wonderful memories. I love how you just dive in and explore and do with your littles. So fantastic. A lesson that I needed to learn.

I think we expect too much of ourselves. We can do. And because of that - we sometimes do too much - or are expected to be 'perfect and ON' all the time. That isn't fair and it isn't real life. I think that it is great for others to see when we are struggling with something -

Hold tight - you are awesome - whether you are on, happy and pink, or a little blue or grey. There are too many lessons to be taught and learned along our way...

The 'stings' are few and far between to change who you are. So - still keep pluggin' along. I love reading your good, bad and the ugly... (is that wrong?! ha ha ha!)Makes me love you even more.

I can't wait to see where you land in 10 months from now and how you are able to embrace that change when it happens and welcome new adventures!!

Rachel said...

I am sad that you are having a down time right now....it will get better, I know it will.
Here is my two cents on moving..
I am SO appreciative of my parents, and for the journey's they took us on to different states. I feel like it helped shape me into the person I have become. I love having friends in so many different places, and my parents have been able to meet so many people that have become a part of their family. I know you guys have done the same along the way, and will continue to do so.
I just think...how lucky that you are to haved experienced so much. Your girls will be such well rounded little southern bells!! :)
Love you guys so much!!

Shauna said...

Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Amen! I think your were looking in my brain.
I have said "No Deed Goes Unpunished" too many times recently and have had some stinging from directions where I have given so much heart and energy.
I am working on the balance and trying to look forward.
Every time I spend too much time looking backward, I lose focus and stop any positive motion forward.
It is such a process.